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The Prophecy of The Brown Dwarf - ch 1 - part 1

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yannik	The Prophecy of The Brown Dwarf - ch 1 - part 1		Lead	[-]
Posts: 524 01/04/08 7:06	Tags : None Mmm.... 'kay. Let's see. Would someone kindly tell me what crap I wrote? It's original story. ---------- THE PROPHECY OF THE BROWN DWARF Chapter One - The Stranger --------- Part One "They jumped right out of the bushes!" Lehtar shrieked so suddenly that a few of those who were listening to his story jumped up. Then Ahmos giggled nervously and Lehtar smirked at her. "We jumped up like this, too -- they startled us! But we wouldn't let them get the upper hand, oh no!" The stringy old man was recounting one of the many adventures of his life. His gray, almost white hair, were flying around with each rapid gesture. Deep, strong voice, contrasting with everything else in his skinny figure, kept his comrades in captivity. "Swords in hand, we returned their attack. There were eight of them; us -- five. But we fought like wolfs, cut their limbs, their torsos. Blood was everywhere, their blood. The one who attacked me was twice my height, but I thrust my sword into his belly before he knew it. He would be dying a slow, painful death, for hours, but I paid him no mind now. My friends were in trouble." --- Run! Run! --- The warriors, tired and dirty, were listening to each word of the old bard like it was a prophecy. They needed something, anything to let go of the fatigue and fear of this day. They did escape another pursuit, they were together, alive, all of them, at the end of the day. Again. "We should have done the same thing back there!" A younger man looked defiantly at the leader of the group sitting across from him, on the other side of a tiny fire. Morgan Val Dumno was not content with the result of the earlier encounter. He wanted to fight, was eager to let some enemy blood. His hazel eyes bore holes in the chief's face, but Echanon didn't even blink. The leader's orders were not to be questioned, especially not by this golden-haired madcap. Lehtar scolded Morgan in his stead: "Shut it, Duke," The nick-name was earned by Morgan's crown of golden hair, and by pseudo-courtly manners he exhibited, when in a better mood. "Better pour some more." The older man gestured to the bottle of amber liquid in the Duke's hand. "No talkin' on dry throat." The warrior pursed his lips, almost royally offended, and filled a row of cups handed his way; Lehtar emptied half of his in one gulp, exhaled noisily. "Great booze." "Keep talking," Ahmos berated him. "Don't waste a spirit!" --- Limbs, roots, it's hard to run. Have to escape, have to save . . . life . . . My life. --- Lehtar got on with a story in which death took people's names, their futures and their pasts. It was the world they all lived in and though they feared death like nothing else, hearing stories where it took reign was dangerously addictive. Ahmos bit her lips and her fingers, Maqi, the kid, sat straight, his pale eyes wide open. Next to him Morgan, gaze glued to Lehtar, unconsciously repeated each gesture of the bard. Echanon silently observed his minions. Out of the other five only Elin and Wolf seemed distant, not immersed in Lehtar's story. Elin, because she was always like that, not involved. And Wolf . . . Wolf was in a world of his own right now, and Echanon, with a sudden chill, wondered why. Wolf was a magician, he was someone who knew -- and saw -- more. --- Can't breathe, can't run, no more. They can't be escaped. They kill . . . I killed? --- The chief wanted to ask the black robed man about his thoughts, but an argument within the group caught his attention. "It's not why we're here, Morgan!" another woman, usually calm and composed Ijana stared at the golden haired warrior with anger. "We're not supposed to go into blows and get ourselves killed!" "I'm not trying to get us killed!" "It's a recon! We're supposed to be invisible!" "Everyone quiet." Echanon didn't lift his voice to the level of the others', but he was heard nonetheless. Heard and obeyed. Morgan sighed and turned his gaze away, Ijana opened her mouth and shut them up. --- "Lanard, can't let them--" --- "Don't be childish," the chief continued in a quiet tone. "Enough of this talking, and certainly enough drinking!" "But Echanon--" Ahmos tried, disappointed that Lehtar's story would not reach its conclusion -- even though she already knew what it would be, having heard that one a dozen times so far. Echanon shook his head. --- "Don't let them kill you!" --- Wolf sprung to his feet suddenly, his magic staff protectively at his side. "It's sophy," he whispered. The word had more of an effect on the team, that any warning Echanon could muster. Wolf could have said "the death came for us," and it wouldn't make them more silent and terrified. For sophy equaled death. "Where?" Echanon whispered after a long pause, also standing up and looking intently into the mage's face. Wolf looked like he was sniffing. "Not sure . . . West, I think. Strange, I've never--" He didn't manage to finish. They heard rustling of bushes, thumping of feet and a sound of cracking branches. Echanon looked at his team and realized one face was missing. Ahmos noticed it at the same moment. "Morgan," she breathed out, and turned a frightened gaze to her chief. "He went after it--" --------- t.b.c.
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Silwyna		#1	[url]	[-]
Posts: 2175 01/04/08 10:51 First Lieutenant	Great first chapter. I was excited to see that you posted this here. It's a very interesting start and I can't wait to find out where this will lead to. Who or what is sophy? A dictator? A monster? I hope Morgan doesn't get himself or the others in too much trouble.
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BSGaddict		#2	[url]	[-]
Posts: 521 01/05/08 10:41	This was a very intriguing chapter, there was a definite sense of menace with all the warriors on edge, and you drew a good picture of the individual warriors, conveying their different personalities in a very few words. I wonder what kind of threat sophy is. It's an English girl's name but that probably doesn't help me to guess anything! Also the part in italics is interesting - is that person running away from this sophy? I was expecting that person to be running towards the warriors and be the person Wolf hears in the bushes at the end of the chapter, but looks like I'm wrong. Perhaps those parts could have been a little longer - I found them a little confusing and could have done with some more context to differentiate them from the main story. But overall I really enjoyed this - hope I get to read more!
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yannik		#3	[url]	[-]
Posts: 526 01/05/08 2:22	English name... Isn't it Sophie? It's not bad though that you made that connection. I'm glad you think the character introduction works. It means a lot, because I have, like, eleven main characters here! Well, some are mainer than others, but still, making them all recognizable is going to be a challenge. About the parts in italics, I'm also having trouble with them. This keeps changing from version to version, but I think I got the right balance here. It's meant to be vague, though "confusing" worries me a little. Anyway, thanks for comment. Silke, thank you too. You asked all the questions I want a reader to ask after reading this beginning. I will keep posting for a while. Probably not the whole thing, guess it will depend on whether you'll want me to keep posting, and also how much of it will be readable. Might get too "drafty" as the story progresses.
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BSGaddict		#4	[url]	[-]
Posts: 524 01/06/08 3:30	English name... Isn't it Sophie? Sophie is the more common spelling, but it can be Sophy also. Now I'm even more intrigued as to what this menace is. It's meant to be vague, though "confusing" worries me a little. Hm, trying to think what I meant. It was just - first I thought maybe it was the story the bard was telling. Then I thought maybe it was the thoughts of one of the warriors. I think I just needed a clearer indication that those parts were completely separate from the main scene - maybe if you showed it was different weather or landscape or something? But it's probably just my individual reaction, so don't worry. I just thought I'd say it because I know you like constructive criticism. It didn't affect my enjoyment of the chapter as a whole. I see you've posted chapter 2, so I will try to find time to read it later.
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ammonite7		#5	[url]	[-]
Posts: 91 02/14/08 4:02	You have a wonderful way with dialog and characters. What stands out the most that I believe could serve you well is there is no setting of the scene. I assume they are somewhere in the woods. Once you mention a tiny fire so it must be dark. You could create lots of mystery or whatever you wanted to create in your reader by going into a little more detail with the scene. Have you read Edgar Allan Poe, for example? He was a master at creating emotion, mood and tension with the scene and description. You want the reader to be right at that fire with your characters, to be engaged in that tale, surrounded by the dark night, to jump when they jump, and to feel the same fear when sophy is near. You can do this with description and use of language.
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